


Amnesty Survives

by FluffNSmutter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (Explicit is for later), (just a sprinkle of angst though), (okay maybe more than just a sprinkle of angst), Aftercare, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bathing/Washing, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Explicit is for now!, Face-Fucking, Face-Sitting, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gay Sex, Hair Braiding, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Romance, Interspecies Sex, Kissing, Love, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sex, Smut, Teasing, The "later talk", Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Stern, sort of a tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 10:13:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20338435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffNSmutter/pseuds/FluffNSmutter
Summary: The apocalypse has passed but there are still some questions left unanswered. "We'll talk about this later, but like, later."When he hears Barclay begin to turn the knob, he tightens his death grip on his arms, and stills, facing away from the door.It's time.





	1. Before Anything Else...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The case doesn't end just because the apocalypse is over. There are consequences for the wrong answers, and Stern absolutely does not want to face them. But agent or not, he has to know. So he and Barclay need to have a little chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this as though Barclay and Stern had been dating for like 6 months. It's just sad fluff for now, but eventually *eyebrow waggle*.  
Threw in a nod to some of my favorite fan-names for Stern before Joseph became cannon. Which I love. But I swear to god, Stern’s family calls him Lucky and I’ll die on that hill.

When all the chaos settles, Barclay sets to helping Mama get back into her own bed. So Stern waits in Barclay's room, pacing. He wishes he was out there helping, clearing off the dust and switching out the linens would be a welcome distraction, but there's something he needs first - he just doesn't want to ask.

And so he paces. Back and forth, back and forth, trying to ground himself with the feeling of his aching feet. _Breathing In 2 3 4. Hold 2 3 4. And out 2 3 4._ Repeat. When he hears Barclay begin to turn the knob, he tightens his death grip on his arms, and stills, facing away from the door.

"Alright. So … Bigfoot? Were you ever going to tell me?"

Barclay sighs his response then moves to lean on the dresser next to Stern.

"Yeah, I'm a Bigfoot. And I don't know. Maybe? I wanted to, but … can you understand my apprehension at least?"

"For 8 months? I'd hoped you'd have known me well enough. Perhaps that's my fault though. I’m sorry if I gave any frightening impressions.”

Barclay’s breath gets caught at Stern’s purely analytical tone. When he starts to respond, it’s barely audible.

"I trust you. And after a few months, I was sure you wouldn't bring me any harm. But it wasn't just me."

He pauses, and when Stern doesn't respond, Barclay shifts. _Shoulders squared against me, back straight, jaw clenched. Forceful. Protective._

"Listen, it’s just that - Explaining myself, explaining who I am - I'd have to explain Sylvain, the gate, eventually everything. I trust you with my life, Joseph, but I don't readily take gambles on the lives of my family." The roughness in his voice subsides, and he fixes his tired eyes on Stern's face. "I hope you can understand that."

"Alright. Fair." Stern still refuses to look at him, another burning question coiling in the back of his throat. He takes another cleansing breath _in. 2, 3, 4. and out, 2, 3, 4._ "Very fair, actually. I … admire your devotion to your family, Barclay. I do."

For a moment, his voice is soft and sincere. He lightly touches Barclay’s arm, but retreats when Barclay moves to take his hand. That question keeps burning. _I don't want to know yet_. Stern bites his lip, and thankfully, something else sticks out to him. A much simpler question. An easy distraction.

"I'm sorry, did you say **_a_** Bigfoot?"

Barclay's chuckle is a pleasant surprise as the larger man slumps back against the dresser. The tension is still present, but it’s a little less smothering.

"There's plenty of us in Sylvain. Or similar enough variations. I'm not the first to come through the gate."

"Alright. I can wrap my head around that pretty easily I suppose. And all that this really means – you’re not an ancient mysterious creature stalking the woods and swamps of North America, but just-

"Just a guy from another planet."

"Right, right. A planet that is … linked? Somehow? To this one. I'm not sure exactly-

"Don’t worry about it, I'm not either. I just know that there's a gate."

"And you came through that gate one day … how long ago?"

Stern's brows are pinched together, his eyes moving, ghosting over case files. He's biting the inside of his bottom lip in an effort to keep his face from showing his desperate fear as he cycles through every missing person case. That same heat now searing through his vocal chords.

"Uh. Maybe 30 years ago? I know where you're going with this. And uh, well about that."

Stern tastes blood in his mouth. His mind goes static.

"I wasn't always as careful as I am now. I didn't care enough to be careful. So … I wasn't always Barclay Carter. I've looked a little different before. Still the same … me, just, sorta reskinned." He's still as a statue, arms crossed against his chest, but he stares at Stern from the corner of his eye. He takes a sharp inhale and continues,

"Once, I uh, I was called Jeremiah Smith. Before that was Stanley Stewart. Before that … uh I was Luciano Serra at one point but that didn't last long. I couldn't quite live up to that name. Daniel Rodgers. Uuh, … Curtis Reed - That was my first disguise-"

"Stop. Those names again." His voice is flat, no longer asking. Ordering. His face is pulled into the neutrally-polite "agent face" he'd been trained to perfect.

"Yeah" Barclay sighs, "Jeremiah Smith. Stanley Stewart. Luciano Serra. Daniel Rodgers. Curtis Reed -"

The static is replaced with ringing alarms. He closes his eyes, reminds himself to keep that face plastered on. Reminds himself to _for gods sake keep breathing_.

"Joseph … Is everything - "

Barclay moves closer, and Stern jerks around, practically spinning on his heels. His eyes are finally fixed on Barclay's, scrutinizing. _Hands raised low at his sides, tall but hunched over slightly. Feet facing me completely. He's addressing a wild animal._ He can barely stop himself from wincing at that.

"You said you were these people." _If there's any twitch, any trace of dishonesty…_

"Yeah. My bracelet isn't one of a kind, Indrid has been making them for something like a hundred years. He enchants 'em with the disguises, so it could look like you're someone who could be named Jeremiah Smith or Luciano Serra or whatever."

"And when you say you were these people. Did you-"

He takes a quick breath, steeling himself for the question he has to ask. The only one that really matters. Everything hinges it, and Stern can't bear to think of what must happen if he gets the wrong answer. "These are missing people, Barclay. So I need to know. Did you hurt them? Kidnap them? Before disguising yourself as them?" Fire rips and lashes through him, following from his throat to his lips until every word is said, hating that he has to ask this of Barclay. Barclay, the gentle cook and dedicated friend. 

"Oh god! No! No, they - no! I wouldn't. I just meant - I was reckless - took off my bracelet and had to immediately run off for fear of being caught as - you know- Bigfoot."

Barclay's arms reach for him, but the answer doesn't suffice yet. So Stern steps back, leaving those arms hanging in the air. Arms that belong to someone he loves, but also to someone he saw ripping limbs off monsters mere hours ago. _He's capable of it - even if I don't think he would, he very easily could. I can't forget that._

"I never, Joseph. I swear, I just made these people up. So, I guess that's a federal crime, faking government documents, so I dunno if you wanna book me for that, but I never hurt anyone." _Eyebrows raised, eyes wide - shock. Mouth in a tight line, eyebrows now raised and pinched together - concern. Nothing defensive. Nothing dishonest._

Stern's body loses all its tension and all the intimidating bravado with it. The agent face drops,

"Thank god. I'm sorry, I - I needed to know that for sure before I could - I have so much more to ask, but all that’s just – I guess personal curiosity. But for now - "

He practically launches himself into Barclay, wrapping arms around his neck and melts into a tight hug. After a moment, Barclay speaks, his voice low and soft.

"I understand - I couldn't live with myself if I had. I wouldn’t expect someone else to either." Barclay nuzzles his head down on the top of Stern's, who's holding on with all he's got left. "So, I guess I'm Bigfoot and also all those missing people."

"I really hit the jackpot finding you, huh?" He sighs contentedly and then shakes his head laughing. "_47 missing people_, Barclay! In the last 30 years? What were you _doing_?"

"I was just stupid. Took it off to go on hikes mostly. Or camping. Or swimming. One time I was in my own backyard and took it off in the middle of the day. Neighbor peered over the fence to chat. Scared the shit out of him."

He can't help but chuckle at the thought of someone catching Bigfoot sunbathing in the middle of some appalachian suburb.

"Once I thought it would be a funny party trick."

Stern jerks himself away to look at Barclay's face incredulously. Barclay's already laughing.

"You _what_?!"

"I know, I – It’s so stupid. Stepped outside and came back in as Bigfoot and - I – ugh, Does it help my case if I say I was drunker than a frat boy at homecoming?"

They remain like that for a while, laughing at all the stupid ways Bigfoot had gotten caught, the begging he had to do for Indrid to keep making him new disguises. On some occasions multiple times a month. Eventually they lay down on Barclay's bed in a tangle of limbs and sheets. The events of the day catch back up with their tired and battered bodies. They just survived the apocalypse, and now they are laughing themselves to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had _plans_ for joining ao3. The first thing I planned to write was gonna be for the lovely Mighty Nein ladies that inspired my username. But then Griffin gave us "We'll talk about this later" and now I'm in frenzy trying to finish this before the next episode comes out in … oooh 2 days. C'est la vie.
> 
> Up next: Domestic Sitcom-sad Fluff


	2. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The case is closed, the war won, the lodge is open, and everything can just be right for now. Let it be noisy. Let it be nosey. Let them all just love and enjoy some time with their family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: "Okay cool, finished writing this chapter, now I just gotta ctrl+f "-ing" and change to "-in' " aaaand sure, that's how accents work. Post."

Barclay takes a deep, rumbling breath and opens his eyes to a familiar blessing. Joseph is running his hands through Barclay’s hair, eyes half open, and a small smile playing at his lips.

“Good morning, love.” Even when he’s just woken up, Joseph’s voice is smooth and clear. Always polished. When Barclay speaks this soon after waking, it’s more akin to sandpaper than an actual voice.

“Mornin’.” He leans into Joseph’s touch, “Missed you.”

“You saw me just before you fell asleep, darling” he chuckles.

“Yeah, and then there were like 8 whole hours where I wasn’t actively lookin’ at your handsome face.”

He moves his free hand up to Joseph’s and traces the spreading blush with his thumb. _Temple, cheekbone, nose, lips._ He pulls him in and kisses, he’s sure, the most handsome man in any world. Again. And again. Smiling through each increasingly needy kiss. Gentle turns to desperate and their easy breathing starts turning ragged. Arms wrap behind the other’s head and back, pulling in as close as possible. Joseph all but trembles as Barclay traces his hand down Joseph’s spine.

There is a loud thud followed by an even louder whirring upstairs. They both get startled and jump apart slightly. A deep sigh is met with a breathy chuckle.

"Mama must be vacuumin’ the rooms." his eyes are fixed on the ceiling. He bites his lip and pulls his lover closer. From the corner of his eye he sees Joseph is giving him a warm, knowing look. He kisses Barclay’s cheek and then pushes himself up to sit in the bed, hand still on Barclay's chest.

"Come on, Barclay. We should go help her. The lodge should be properly filled back up soon."

Everyone had dispersed to the nearest beds last night, too exhausted to move back in. Mama is the only other one in the lodge right now. _But now,_ warmth spreads through him at the thought. _They’re comin’ home_. He looks back to Joseph, grinning, and is touched to see that he is smiling just as wide.

They barely bother getting dressed. Hardly seems necessary when they're just going to get covered in dust and dirt anyway. They join Mama upstairs and work in comfortable quiet. Stern dusts. Mama vacuums. Barclay runs back and forth washing bedding and cooking something that smells utterly divine. They each rush to shower and have only gotten mostly dressed when they hear laughter rapidly approaching the lodge's front door. Mama is perched on the center hearth, already smiling though her hair is just as sopping wet as his own. Honestly, Stern looks the most put together, but even he’s notably jacketless, shirt untucked, and still hopping down the stairs trying to put on his other sock.

Aubrey is the first to burst through, her clothes rippling in a gust of wind and her face about 90% smile.

"That's cheating!" Jake follows in soon after and from behind him, Dani laughs.

The younger residents crowd together, dropping their backpacks on the couch before turning to face the rest of them. It takes all of two seconds before they break into a secondary sprint to hug everyone. Thacker shuffles in with Moira, Indrid, and the entire Chosen-Crew in tow. They laugh at the mosh-hug happening in front of them. That is until Aubrey uses more gusts of wind to push them into joining.

It doesn’t last long, but it’s warm, and the laughter reverberates in the lobby, shaking out the last shadows of emptiness. A cacophony of conversation erupts from the pile.

“Alright, but Barclay, what _is_ that smell?” “Can’t even be reunited ten minutes” “Don’t at me, I’m hungry!” “We should unpack” “Don’t _what_ you?” “Is it ready to eat?” “It’s just soup, guys.” “Can we eat first?” “It’s never _just_ anything, when you cook!”

With every word they slowly peel off each other until Barclay finally calls

“Alright, alright! It’s corn and zucchini chowder – it’s just what was still around and good. The bread still needs cuttin’ but it’s ready! And there’s some grilled carrots and asparagus – sorry Dani, I stole from your garden. Hadn’t had time to get groceries ye- _Hey_! Small pot is for the veggie-girls, Jake! You know that! Bacon and beef stock in the big pot! Parsley’s chopped in the bowl, sprinkle at will.”

He realizes he’s been calling after them progressively louder from the second he said, ‘it’s ready’. There’s a small vibration of a chuckle against his arm and when he looks down, Stern is still holding on to him. Smile warm and beautiful on his face. He moves his arms back around the smaller man,

“God, these kids!” He yells it so that they can hear him through the kitchen window.

“You love us!” Aubrey yells back, and after a moment, “Also this is delicious!” followed by a chorus of agreeing “Mhmms”.

_I do though_. He can feel arms squeezing around him and is startled to see Stern’s eyes looking rather watery. They start speaking at the same time, 

“Joseph, hey-” , “It’s nothing-”

Stern takes the subsequent moment of silence to turn to face Barclay properly. His eyes, however, keep wandering all over the Lodge, up into the lit sconces, the open doors, the discarded bags, the kitchen window.

“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry. I’m just, more relieved than I expected.” Stern’s smile twitches, and Barclay stifles a worried gasp. “The last two months, I had access to this place. And none of you did, not even Ms. Cobb. I couldn’t help myself from coming in here. But it was … dark. And empty. And…I hated it. But I came every day. I tried watering Dani’s plants – don’t tell her I think I over watered them. I sat at the piano, but I can’t play. And then I would just stand in the kitchen and stare at the teapot. It was all … wrong.”

Barclay cups Stern’s face in his hands, wiping away a tear as he does, but he waits for Stern to finish.

“For months after I arrived, I knew I wasn’t welcome here. But I got to know you all anyway. I got used to the constant cheerful noise. I grew up in a large family, so it was like being home. Even before everyone started getting used to me in return, this place sounded like home. I’ll admit I felt a bit betrayed when we started piecing together how much you guys kept from me, but Barclay?”

He locks his eyes on the kitchen window, through which he can hear the low thrum of chatter and giggling and see the tell-tale red curls, the blonde braid, the neon windbreaker, and the ratty brown duster. His smile deepens, his eyes lighten,

“I understand. I understand why you were all so adamant on protecting this. How could you not be? It’s – this place, all the memories floating here, all the noise, and all its residents, it’s all just … beautiful. It’s just … right.” Stern rests his head against Barclay’s chest, sighing. “I’m glad it’s all coming back in to place.”

Barclay closes his eyes, pulls Stern tightly against him, and kisses the top of his head. They just breathe in this space for a moment. Warm. Safe. Loved. Barclay moves, kissing Stern’s temple he quietly says,

“I’m glad you’re part of it all. … If you’d like to be, like to stay? If you don’t mind my sayin’, I think you belong here, Joseph Stern. I don't think home is quite the same without you. ”

His eyes are shining, and Barclay could drink in this look for the rest of his life.

“Well! Is he gonna stay!?” “Joseph, are you stayin’!?” “We want you to stay!” “We'd miss you, Joe!” “Come on staaaay!” “Come stay with the aliens, Stern!” “You know you want to!” "If you stay I'll teach you how to play!" "Don't you wanna live in the monster house?" “Sta~ay!”

Moira is leaning through the window all smiles, Duck is leaning against the kitchen doorframe and Aubrey waves her arms emphatically. Even Indrid is joining in on this chorus while Mama and Thacker just heartily cackle. Stern is vibrating with laughter against him, smile wider than he thinks he’s ever seen before. He squeezes him tightly, and whispers “Don’t let them pressure you. You can take your time if you need.”

Stern shakes his head, still smiling, “Ms. Cobb, could we talk about extending my stay indefinitely?”

She makes her way through the crowded doorframe and towards the two hugging men.

“I got one condition.” Despite her smile, her tone is serious. She lets the room hold its breath, lets them get confused and worried for just a second before she claps a hand on his shoulder.

“Joseph? You have to stop callin’ me that. It’s worse than Maddie. Now come on, that soup is gonna get cold and that would be a real shame. Seein’ as there’s only barely enough left for you both.”

* * *

The rest of the afternoon is a flurry of noise and movement. Moira is instructing Joseph at the piano with saintly patience. Mama chastises Jake for his "ridiculous idea of stunts" and the second she turns 'round Jake jumps right back into trying to do a backflip off the second-floor landing and onto the stair rail in a headstand. Minerva loudly whispers encouragements up to him from the first floor. Barclay comes back with groceries and has to shoo Thacker out of the kitchen before he can make more of his gorp monstrosity. Duck started teasing Aubrey when she began moving her things into Dani’s room. Then Stern came running into the kitchen to hide from the blonde girl who's screaming, “STERN! What the hell did you agents do to my hoya macgillivrayi!?”

While Stern nervously looks around for a place to hide here, Barclay hardly looks up from the prep he's doing for dinner. Entirely amused, he gibes the full grown man in his kitchen, "You know this is the first place she'll check right?"

“Joseph Stern this is a rare plant! I swear to god you fucking – did you drown it?? THIS IS A LOW-WATER PLANT, STERN!”

Stern stays in the kitchen, even as they hear Aubrey consoling and comforting her.

“Hey, look, he kept the other ones ... mostly alive. They aren’t beyond anything _you_ can’t fix. And we’ll get a new hoya macaroni, okay?”

“Hoya macgillivrayi”

“Yeah, a new hoya machiavelli, got it.”

“You’re such a dork, babe.”

"If you're gonna stay in here, love, could you grab an apron and a knife? I could use the help and I'd love the company."

Arms wrap around Barclay's waist and Stern stands on his tiptoes to kiss the taller man's cheek, "I think I could be amiable to that, just tell me what to do."

"Mm, you could stay just like that if you'd like. Or wash and chop those potatoes. I have my preference, but I'll accept either."

Another kiss. "I do too, but I'd hate to distract you." He pulls back and walks over to the sink, his back to Barclay. _God, fat chance I won't be distracted. _

* * *

That evening, they all sit around the hearth. Each one tired, but not wanting to go to bed yet. So, they sip their chamomile and lavender tea and chat. They catch Stern up on all the secrets, the abominations, the hunts, and for the first time, the Sylphs talk about their home planet openly and painlessly.

Joseph is wearing that warm, beautiful smile again. And lit up in the dancing shades of the fire, Barclay gets distracted by the curve of his lips.

“Hey wait – Jake’s voice breaks the spell, and by the look of it, Jake is just as surprised as Barclay.

“Wait a minute – Ster-, er, Joseph? You’re like, all in love with Barclay right? And you know he’s Bigfoot, and we’re all like – literal aliens? right? So, can we? Does this mean we can take off our rings and stuff now?”

There’s a buzzing of excitement and all eyes are on Joseph.

“If you’ll forgive me for making you wear them for so long.”

His smile is unwavering as the Sylphs all fidget and immediately sigh in relief, settling into their true forms. Even Indrid's utterly terrifying mandibles get little more than a few wide-eyed blinks from the ex-agent. But it doesn’t go unnoticed that Bigfoot hasn’t joined their fireside circle.

“Fire and long fur don’t mix too well” he shrugs. “Besides, I’d probably break the damn chair or somethin’.” It’s a passable half-truth. But Stern still shoots him a look before wrapping their hands together and nuzzling his face into Barclay’s shoulder.

“What is it really, Barclay?”

He sighs, “Still the observant detective at heart, aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, of course. But I like to think I just know you really well.”

“You do.” He lifts their joined hands and plants a chaste kiss on Joseph’s.

“Soo? What is it, Barclay?”

“I just like this.” He squeezes his hand again. “It’d be impossible for us to do that when I’m two times bigger than you.”

“That’s so sweet of you, darling. … And what else?”

His reply is somewhere between a laugh and a groan. “Don’t wanna scare ya. I know I’m intimidatin’ – know you probably got spooked seein’ me fightin’ and even just pickin’ up that crate - your eyes were all wide.”

“Mm. Mhmm. Yes, you are big and imposing and strong – but Bigfoot? Scare me?” Stern’s breath is hot against the crook of Barclay’s neck, his voice barely even whispering, “Mm. I wouldn’t be so sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up Next: Sternclay gets the "Are you here for our later talk?" treatment


	3. The Later Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that they have the energy, our boys finally get to celebrate stopping the mutual destruction of their planets!  
With sex. Of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. It escalates quickly. Also, it’s like. Really long. And really dumb. So I'm just like ... really sorry, but I hope that you still find something to enjoy!
> 
> ** Just in case you missed the tag, I stan Trans Stern. I tried to keep everything male-coded and a little vague, I just want to be super clear about that up front. <3 **

_“I wouldn’t be so sure.” _Barclay’s positive the words shouldn’t have the effect they’re having on him right now. But the tone in Joseph’s voice, the still-hot spot on his neck where he’d hummed and whispered, _“I wouldn’t be so sure.”_ It was all going straight to his dick. His jaw snapped shut and he squirmed in his seat. Joseph, with a satisfied “Mmph” sat back up and continued conversing with the rest of the group, his back to Barclay again.

There’s no doubt in his mind that Stern knows Barclay is staring at him. He undoes the top two buttons of his shirt, loosening and pulling the collar away from his throat. It’s so subtle, no one else would think anything of it. But Barclay’s jaw clenches harder the longer he traces the line of Joseph’s neck - just a tiny bit of skin so rarely exposed.

“Alright,” A strained groan comes from Duck as he stretches to stand “I’m still fuckin’ beat. I gotta go get some sleep, I’m not young anymore - can’t stay up past, well uh, now, if ’m bein’ honest. Indrid, uuh, Dr. Drake? You guys stayin’ here or ya want me and Leo to drive ya back?”

“Yeah, all my stuff’s still at Leo’s. Am I like, allowed to go back to the telescope now?”

“Shit, I dunno, Sarah, but you’re not like, bein’ held hostage.”

“Well not by you but the damn FBI sure wasn’t lettin’ me out."

"Sound a bit anxious to leave, you allergic to all our cats or somethin?"

"God, sue me for just wantin’ my own shitty bed instead of someone else’s shitty guest bed?”

Their banter fades as they walk out the door and down the gravel driveway.

“Here, hand me their cups. I oughta wash ‘em before I turn in too.” Barclay rushes into the kitchen, thinking he’ll have a welcome distraction from the heat building up in him. Instead, he sees familiar hands placing more cups by the sink before wrapping around him. Stern is pressed against his back, hands snaking in opposite directions along his chest. He says nothing as he runs his fingers along the top of Barclay’s jeans.

“You know, the kitchen used to be my sanctuary from invasive thoughts - kinda like the ones you're givin' me right now.” _Shit_. His voice is already raspy with want.

“Oh, my apologies.”

There is absolutely nothing apologetic in Stern’s voice. It’s smug and low and _god it’s hot_.

“I’ll just leave you to it, then.” He winks before he walks away, and Barclay is left biting his lip to hold in a desperate groan.

* * *

It’s been almost two hours since everyone closed their bedroom doors. _Why hasn’t Joseph come down yet?_ It’s not a secret that they often sleep together. Frankly, since they started dating the hunt was about the only time they slept apart. He’d assumed that Joseph was just going to grab a change of clothes for the morning and come down here. Instead, Barclay’s staring at the crack beneath the door, one leg anxiously bouncing.

_Fuck it. _He throws a shirt back on, grabs a sweater and then he’s rushing through the hall and up the stairs as quietly as he can. It isn’t until he’s already knocking on the door that he realizes that Joseph might just be asleep. He hears the rustling of sheets. _Damnit._

“Hmm? Who is – Barclay is that you?” The voice is smooth, but breathless.

“Yeah, sorry.”

_He **was** sleeping._ _Shit I’m an ass – he’s probably just still tired from savin’ the fuckin’ world. Damnit. G-_

“_God damn._” the words are barely audible as all the breath leaves Barclay’s body. Barclay may be slack-jawed, and his wide eyes might be barely blinking, but Joseph Stern is a perfect picture of bravado and confidence. He’s pulled the door wide open. He’s got a smugly faux-innocent smile on his face, but he knows that isn’t what Barclay is staring at. He’s leaning on one arm against the frame, his free hand on his hip, and he’s absolutely, completely and totally, bare ass naked.

His free hand catches Barclay’s jaw and tilts his face back up to meet his eyes.

“Did you come here for that later talk you owe me?”

“I-I-I-I- uuuh. Y-yeah? _fuck_,” he squeezes his eyes shut _Get a hold of yourself, Jesus Christ._ “I’m sorry, I – what did you need to talk about?”

“I believe you were going to explain – what did you call them? Your super Bigfoot powers?”

“And you want me to explain that while you- ” Stern’s hand runs down to Barclay’s neck and he has to open his eyes again. He fixes his eyes to that smirk, and with a little more resolve in his voice, “-While you stand there, looking like _that _?” Well. It was a _little_ more resolve.

“I certainly hope you don’t keep me just standing here for much longer.”

“Maybe we should go inside, hm?” Barclay takes a step towards him, but Stern straightens up and blocks the doorway. He pulls Barclay’s head down to his and whispers,

“Not until you show me.”

Barclay practically buckles at the knees. “Show … you?”

“If I’m not mistaken, your ‘super bigfoot power’ is mostly just that you’re mmm … unreasonably strong, yes?” Their eyes are locked as Barclay slowly nods, desperately trying to stay focused on what Stern is saying and not just how his lips look while he talks “Show me how strong you are.”

That heat that had been working its way through Barclay’s system goes white hot. He lifts Joseph in one arm, and with his last logical brain cell, he closes the door behind them with the other. Then the desire turns into something desperate and feral.

He slams Stern against the wall and doesn’t even take a second to savor the wild look in his lover’s eyes. Just pins him there, ravenously kissing every inch of his skin. Hands start tugging incessantly at his shirt, pulling it up as far as it’ll go beneath his shoulders. But he’s too busy kissing down Joseph’s chest – _how could he stop for anything?_

“Barclay?” That gravitas is gone completely, Stern is nearly whining now, “Please, please?”

He pulls away with a groan, practically ripping his shirt off, and dropping both his pants and boxers without even stepping out of them before diving right back into it. Stern’s hands immediately fly to Barclay’s back, his neck, his hair, and pulls, smiling as Barclay growls against him,

“Is that how you want this, then? That why you been teasin’ me all day?”

Stern nods shakily, unable to speak. Barclay catches his lip with sharp teeth and pulls, his hands sliding up Joseph’s chest. He is rewarded with a whimper and nails clawing down his back. With another inhuman growl, Barclay pins Stern’s hands above him,

“You done enough teasin’ today, don’t you think? Now let me take good care of you.” He punctuates the last sentence with rough kisses, then bites his lips again for good measure. He works his way back down Joseph’s jaw, sucking bruises into the skin. Down his neck, across his collarbone, back up the other side. Stern’s hips are bucking against him, desperate for friction. Barclay slides one knee between his legs, pressing gently but firmly into the wet heat he finds there.

“God, Barclay, who’s teasing who now?”

“Are you complainin’? Cuz you’re grindin’ pretty wildly, I could swear you’re gettin’ what you wanted.” Barclay drops his head to run his tongue in circles around one of Stern’s nipples, causing Stern to arch his back and moan. He kisses it and moves over to lavish the same attention on the other.

“Mmm, not complainin’ – but I, oh, I want you, Barclay.”

“Well you got me.” Barclay’s trailing kisses back to the center of Joseph’s chest, and slowly, without breaking eye contact, he licks a line down … and down, … and down, and Stern’s legs are trembling, the rhythm of grinding gone erratic. When Barclay switches gears and sucks the skin along the inside of his hip, Stern throws his head back, whining,

“Fuck! Barclay, please!”

Barclay can’t help himself – he laughs. “Shit, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear before.”

“Jesus – now’s when you wanna comment on – damnit, Barclay, I swear to – I need you to fuck me, now alright? Please!?”

Barclay’s still laughing as he moves their tangled hands to hip level and his face just an inch away from Joseph’s wet cock,

“Now, now, Agent Stern, watch your language – not very professional of you.”

“Get used to it – I’m not an agent anymore, permanently off duty so I can swear as much as I damn well –

Barclay moves his face away, raising an eyebrow.

“Nononononono, ugh, please – pleeease” he starts bucking his hips again, impossibly trying to reach Barclay’s face.

“You want somethin’ babe?”

“Barcla~ay, please, fu- mmm, I need you. Anything. I don’t care how, just touch me please? However you like, whatever you want, just please, please don’t make me wait any longer?”

Barclay lets go of Stern’s hands in favor of running his own up _those thighs, god these thighs._ He leans his face right back to hovering over his cock, his eyes dark with lust,

“Here’s what’s gonna happen then. You’re gonna watch that mouth of yours, and I’m gonna suck your dick like this until you’re squirming and cumming on my face, got it?”

And Joseph Stern, with all his intelligence and polished formalities, with all his tact and charm, with all of his complex eloquence, can only just manage to whimper “yemhm”.

In one solid motion, Barclay kneels, hooks both of Stern’s legs over his shoulders, and stands back up so that Stern is bracing himself against the ceiling as Barclay – _finally_ \- closes his mouth around his cock. He braces one forearm under Stern’s ass to help keep him up, and with the other he restrains Stern’s hips to keep them from bucking too wildly. Stern gasps, first at the shock of movement, then at the intense pleasure of Barclay’s mouth finally where he needed it.

“Oh god, yes, like that, yes!” Barclay’s eyes are glued to Stern’s face, the way his eyes are fluttering open and closed, the way he’s biting his own lips

“God you look so good like this, babe.” Barclay removes his lower arm, “Mm, Do me a favor? Lean forward just a bit? That’s it, don’t worry, I got you.”

Stern is still pressing himself up into the corner of the ceiling, but he dips his head as much as he dares, only to find Barclay’s fingers pressed to his lips. He moans as he takes them into his mouth, doing his best not to drool while Barclay keeps licking broad strokes up sensitive skin.

“Ahh, ah! Bar-Barclay, fuck – shit! No! I mean-” he lets out an entirely undignified whine when Barclay stops everything.

“Tsk tsk tsk, and here I was about to give you an extra reward - ” Stern chases after the fingers as they’re pulled away from his mouth. “You were being so good for me too.”

“I’ll be good, I can be good, I promise! Please, baby, please?”

The begging does something to him, flicks some switch. Barclay lets out an animalistic growl the likes of which Stern has never heard, and it rapidly bypasses ‘fear’ for ‘holy shit I’m horny, never stop making that noise’. Between Barclay’s rumbling of, “You’re lucky I wanna taste your cum so badly” and the desperation with which he plunges his tongue into him, Stern almost cums right then and there. So less than a minute later, when Barclay starts using two wet fingers to trace the rim of his ass, it’s all Stern can do to hold on for dear life as Barclay licks up every drop. Barclay holds him safely in place, letting him grind against his face as he rides out the rest of his orgasm.

“God, babe, you taste so good.” Barclay gives a final swipe with his tongue, and tilts his face to rest on Stern’s thigh “You alright up there?”

Joseph’s eyes are still dazed, and half lidded and he’s panting, as he tries to form sentences. “I didn’t mean … I wanted … Barclay? Not enough-

“Not enough?” His laugh is a bit incredulous at first, but the desperate look on Stern’s face cuts it short. He raises an eyebrow again, “You want me to fuck your ass, don’t you, baby?” Stern rapidly nods, then slowly he shakes it

“Let me,” He licks his lips, releases one hand to curl into Barclay’s hair, “Let me suck your dick first?”

“_Jeeesus, babe_. Yeah – I can’t say no to that, can I?” Then a devilish grin works its way across Barclay’s face – “Hey, trust me?”

“ye… yeah?”

Barclay slides his hands to wrap around Stern’s thighs, holding tight, and he starts walking away from the wall and across the room. When he reaches the bed, he kneels again, and pushes Stern off of him so that he falls on his back. Joseph has to give him one thing – the surprise jump-started his brain that’s for sure.

“Not exactly what I had in mind when I asked you for a display of strength, but alright.”

“What? Wanted something more like this?” Barclay yanks on Stern’s hair, wrenching him off the bed and pulling him up until he’s kneeling in front of him. “Like for me to man handle you, is that it?”

“Mmyesohgodyes.” He’s trying to pull his head further forward, trying to get to Barclay’s cock, his mouth wide open and wanting.

“Here, ” Barclay pulls his head so that it’s tilted, “Tongue out. There you go, fuck you’re gorgeous. Such a good boy for me. You want my cock, baby?”

Stern nods enthusiastically, only for a second before his face is pulled along Barclay’s shaft. “Fuck babe.” Stern runs his nails lightly up and down Barclay’s thighs while he thrusts against Stern’s tongue. His breathing is sharp, broken into small gasps, and a particularly hard drag of Stern’s nails has him ripping the smaller man off of him, leg shaking, eyes shut as he stifles a scream of pleasure.

When his eyes reopen, he finds that smug smile on Stern’s face. “Oh, now that won’t do, darlin’.”

He grabs the sides of Stern’s face with both hands, pushing him back against the bed. Stern’s laughing excitedly as Barclay straddles his face, hard cock sliding against his cheek. “This what you want?”

There’s an affectionately gentle rubbing at Stern’s temple, the discordant action startles him to look at Barclay’s face. _His brows are pinched together, eyes unsure, - questioning. Concern. _

Stern smiles, “God you’re too good to me. Yeah – you gonna fuck my face or what?”

He can feel Barclay’s leg buckling beside him and he smirks, before opening his mouth wide as possible. Barclay doesn’t hesitate. He buries himself into Stern’s mouth, letting him lathe his tongue around the bottom of it for a moment. He gives one experimental thrust, watching Stern’s eyes flutter, but not wince.

“Know, what to do if it’s too much?” He feels two taps on his thigh.

“Good,” And that’s all the warning Stern gets. Barclay’s thrusting into his mouth in earnest, snapping his hips and cutting each of Stern’s moans short.

“Look at you, uhn, so good. Taking every inch of my cock like a, mmm, yes, like a good boy. So good I’m gonna forgive, oh, forgive that little swear”

Stern’s eyes flutter shut again at the praise and he shoots his hand down to palm at his wet cock.

“Shit, babe you’re so hot. You gonna jack yourself off while I fuck your face, huh? Godohgod, yeah, fuck! You’re so good. Gonna make yourself cum?”

Barclay’s hips are starting to stutter, and he knows he’s getting close. Stern sucks his cheeks in, clenching as best as he can around Barclay’s dick. His hips snap forward hard, and he’s panting, holding Stern by the hair right up against him,

“_Fuck_! _Fuck, Joseph_,” there’s that growling from before, sending heat waves through Stern’s body again “- don’t you dare – I wanna see you cum one more time for me before I finish. Can you do that for me?”

He’s trying to hum a coherent response, but it’s so difficult to think straight – he settles for spreading his legs wider and rubbing hard circles into himself.

Barclay seems to get the point and starts hitting his dick against the back of Stern’s throat, growling the entire time. And _fuck those growls!_ They're wrecking Stern. His hand presses harder, tighter circles, working himself over the edge again. His entire body lurches and convulses, the screaming moan muffled by Barclay’s desperate final thrusts. The vibrations of Stern’s scream along the entire length of his cock is what finally pulls Barclay’s orgasm. He falls onto his elbows on the bed, eyes shut tight and hips twitching into Stern’s mouth.

He doesn’t pull out until he’s finished, and then he immediately drops to his knees.

“Holy shit, Joseph. _Joseph_, that was- oh god,” Barclay’s wildly kissing him all over, trying to hold him tight even though his entire body is jelly. _But he has to let him know_ – “Joseph, you’re so amazing. So perfect” _Stern is … giggling? _

“Darling, it tickles – your, your beard!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry. Just, wanted to kiss you.”

“Don’t apologize – just, super sensitive right now.” He pushes lightly on Barclay’s hairy chest, “Let me get up, babe. I gotta get off my knees. There, that’s better. You um, we should probably clean up before we fall asleep and forget.” He laughs lightly and offers his hand to help pull Barclay up.

* * *

He ends up leading him to his shower. They don’t do a whole lot of cleaning, really. Mostly, Barclay just leans back against the far wall of the shower with Stern resting his head on his chest, and they chat. They talk about what’s on tomorrow’s menu, about what movie they should get Minerva to watch next, about what books they’ll have the time to read now. They keep chatting as they step into pajamas, and as they lay down in Stern’s bed. Joseph is curled up against Barclay's side, arms and legs draped over the larger man. Joseph runs his hand along Barclay’s arm and stops at his bracelet for a moment.

“You alright there, love?”

“I just was thinking – I have two questions still if that's alright.”

Barclay tenses involuntarily, worried that there’s still something he could say to mess this up and lose Joseph forever.

“Shoot.”

“What’s the difference for you? Between being in this form and the other? Does it – It seems to feel different. Is this uncomfortable for you?”

“Huh. You know, I can’t say I’ve given that much thought in the last … I dunno, ten years or so? I’ve gotten used to this one. I like it – it feels like a pretty good representation of me, ya know? So, I don’t really mind. Feels less like a disguise and more like, I dunno, just a different version of me.” He pauses to think and stars running his large hands through Stern’s short hair, massaging it absentmindedly as he continues,

“I mean don’t get me wrong. It feels good to change back too. Sorta feels like – well hey. You enjoy wearin’ your fancy suits. Feel at home in ‘em. But it still feels nice to change out of ‘em at the end of the day, right? I guess it’s like that. … plus I wasn’t kiddin’ about fire and long fur not mixin’ – it especially doesn’t mix well with being a cook. Sometimes it’s just more convenient to be in one form than the other. … Does that make sense?” He strains to look down at Joseph’s face, glad to meet his eyes when he does.

“Yeah, actually. That makes perfect sense.” Joseph’s voice is quiet against Barclay’s chest. Somewhere between thoughtful and plain tired. “I’m glad it isn’t stifling, that’s what I sort of assumed. ... But um, well there’s one more question.” There’s a faint blush spreading across his face, which, to be honest, completely confuses Barclay.

“Is something … wrong? What is it?”

“Not wrong just – you know, didn’t ever think I’d ask to cuddle with Bigfoot.”

The words are taking their sweet time to wash over Barclay, unsure if he heard correctly.

“I mean, if that’s alright with you. I don’t know if, I’d hate to make you feel uncomfortable. I just, you seem … soft.” The blush deepens and the meaning finally clicks.

“Are you … sure?” Barclay puts his hand on the bracelet, “I’m not gonna be hurt if I take this off and you change your mind. I’d hate to make you feel uncomfortable too – I’m happy just like this.”

“I’m not worried, but alright.”

Joseph sits up, and scoots back a little, giving Barclay room enough to shift into his proper Sylvan form. He’s easily two feet taller so his legs are dangling off the bed. Somehow even more muscular than he remembered. His fur is the same dark ruddy brown as Barclay’s hair – the face almost identical, just considerably furrier. _Barclay’s brows are pinched. Still Concerned. How do I make you stop worrying that I’m going to leave? I’m not going anywhere._

Joseph smiles at him, takes a breath, and runs one hand up the fur on his chest. The smile widens, and the other hand joins before he’s chuckling. Then he’s climbing up to straddle him and plop face first into the long fur.

“I was right. You’re so soft.”

Barclay finally eases, laughing at how innocently enthused his partner is. He places a hand on Joseph’s back and rubs along his spine.

“Can I sleep like this?”

Barclay laughs, “You that comfortable snuggling a monster?”

“You’re not a monster. You’re a giant teddy bear.”

“Pretty sure people think I’m some kind of ape, babe. You of all people should know that.”

He throws one finger up to Barclay’s lips, “Sssshh” His voice is definitely sleepy now, that familiar smooth breathiness.

“Alright, no, this ain’t gonna work. Here, let me compromise.” Barclay shifts them so that they’re laying on their sides again. Joseph’s face still buried in his chest, completely enveloped by Barclay’s arms.

“This alright?” he whispers into the top of Stern’s head.

“Mhmm. S’nice.”

Barclay curls around him and kisses his temple before they both fall into the most comfortable sleep of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Problem: ** Can’t stop laughing while writing sex scenes  
**Solution: ** Fuck it, rip it off like a band-aid and make it dumber  
**Problem: ** Subconsciously switching to Omniscient-Third-Person while writing sex scenes  
**Solution: ** Fuck it, you’re screwed, just roll with it.  
(Seriously though, I’m new at this and I’m sorry it’s such a mess!)
> 
> Up Next: It gets freaky deaky *eyebrow waggle*


	4. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like every Bigfoot smut I've read involves mating cycles or super rough sex. I'm here to say: Let👏Bigfoot👏Make👏Love👏

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no I fell asleep before I finished this! Running out of time, gogogo!
> 
> On another, actual note, I said it gets freaky deaky … this turned out a bit more romantic than I originally intended. But don’t worry, there’s still plenty cross-species sex to enjoy.

It’s still a bit dark outside when Joseph wakes up. Before his eyes are even fully open he smiles into the thick fur he finds tickling his face. _Pine needles. A little bit of dirt. Sulfur – that’s the hot springs, it’s on everyone. This all tracks, for how Bigfoot should smell, ye…vanilla? _He pulls his head back, meaning to ask Barclay if bathing transfers between his forms, but the giant in his bed is still asleep. _Who’d have known Bigfoot purrs?_ He pulls himself further up the bed, Barclay’s heavy arms making it a bit harder than it already is on his still-jelly body. He lays so that he can press his lips to Barclay’s forehead, right where the fur starts thinning out to frame that handsome face. He still gets a mouthful of it, but in this context he doesn’t really mind.

Barclay doesn’t want to open his eyes yet, if he does he’ll have to get up and go start breakfast. _Just a while longer_. He nuzzles his face down into the pillow and there is a small tug and “Hmph” by his ear. That’s enough to have his eyes shoot open. He’s treated to the familiar furrowed brow and bitten lower lip of a focused Joseph Stern.

“What uh, what ‘chya doin’ there handsome?”

“Hm?” Joseph looks back at him, startled, only for a second before going back to whatever tugging he’s doing around Barclay’s face “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Not really, not until I felt you … _are you braiding my fur_?”

_There’s that blush again_, but Joseph only bites his lip harder while Barclay laughs.

“Y’know, don’t think it’s ever been styled before, how’s it behaving?”

“Honestly, really well. I shouldn’t be surprised, it’s not too far from your hair.”

His blush deepens, and he purses his lips, “Which uh, actually is why I started braiding it – you usually keep your hair out of your face. There.” He pauses, glaring intently at the strand as he slowly releases it, and then sighs with relief.

“Oh good it mostly stayed. But um,” he refocuses on Barclay’s face, one hand petting away the fur he finds lining his jaw. “Could I – I’m sorry. First of all, good morning, darling.”

“Good mornin’ love. Can I – can I kiss you?”

“Please”

Even with the fur brushed back, it’s still a bit harrier than usual. But it’s also still tender, still warm, still done with love. They press their foreheads together while they catch their breath.

“What were you about to ask me? Before I interrupted you with kisses?”

“Always feel free to interrupt me with kisses, Barcl-” It barely counts as a kiss, Joseph is giggling through it more than he is kissing back. “You’re adorable.”

“I’m an 8-foot-tall Cousin It with fangs, don’t sound like somethin’ that adorable to me.” Barclay’s laughing lightheartedly, teasing.

“Well._ I_ think you’re adorable.” His voice is no longer playful. It’s serious and soft, almost like he’s praying. Joseph pushes at Barclay’s shoulder, and he lets himself be rolled onto his back while Joseph sits up and over him. “I think, you’re rather handsome like this. And beautiful. And wonderful. And perfect. And I love you.” He plants kisses all over Barclay’s face between each word, causing him to giggle.

It turns out, that when Bigfoot giggles, it’s more of a rumbly yip. And Barclay’s eyes go wide in embarrassment at the sound.

Joseph sits straight up, eyes wide and an enormous grin across his face.

“You mean to tell me that someone capable of making _that_ noise isn’t adorable? Oh my god, babe, come here! Do it again.” Joseph jumps into planting more of those light kisses as quickly as he can, on every bit of Barclay’s face that he can get to, smiling as more of those darling yips pepper the airwaves. Even as Barclay wraps his hands entirely around Joseph’s waist and lifts them to sit on the edge of the bed. Between giggles and kisses, they manage to say

“I’ll stop if you let me finish braiding, deal?”

“Deal, deal”

When he relents, they’re both breathless from laughter, but Joseph sets immediately to work. He crawls out of Barclay’s lap to kneel behind him on the bed. Again, he pushes at Barclay’s shoulder, and he chuckles as he moves to sit on the floor so the smaller man can reach the top of his head. And if he’s being honest? Its nice. It’s nice to be cared for, especially in this form. He closes his eyes and lets himself go into Joseph’s touch.

Joseph decides on having just the two braids along the side of Barclay’s head, the rest of it pulled back into what would probably count as a half bun. And just like everything else Joseph Stern does, it’s done neatly and evenly. He takes a second to admire his work, then throws his arms around Barclay’s neck, draping himself over his shoulder.

“I like that you purr. It’s sweet.”

“Shit, was I – ? It’s not a purr!”

“Oh really? What would you call that then, furball?”

“I … A … uh.”

“Coming up short, there? That’s because I’m right, it’s a – oof! Hey!”

Barclay hefts him fully onto his shoulder while he stands and chuckles at the contrast between Joseph’s indignant tone and his snuggling into the hold.

“Purrin’. Furball. You make me sound like a damn kitten.”

The next 7 words out of Joseph Stern’s mouth make a break for it before he can process them.

“Would you like to be my kitten?”

There is screaming inside Stern’s head, and he’s pretty sure that he’s dying, when Barclay starts stuttering.

“Let’s uh, l-l-let’s um, we’ll put that i-i-i-in the uh, the uh mmm- uuuh the maybe? Column?” he coughs and readjusts his hold on Joseph. And _thank god_, the alarm starts blaring to announce that it’s 5:45 am and past time to start breakfast.

“Fuck! I’m late! Aaaah I’m late I’m late I’m late!”

Barclay grabs the bracelet from the nightstand and starts to open the door before remembering that he’s still carrying his boyfriend over his shoulder. He starts to lower him, but Joseph just nonchalantly waves it off “It’s fine, just go. I’ll help you cook.” And with that, Bigfoot stoops his head and bounds off to the kitchen.

“I can start on the fried hominy and bacon while you get dressed, but I’m clueless about biscuits and tomato gravy, babe.”

Joseph is already pulling out ingredients and waving Barclay out of the kitchen. The larger man turns back, in time to see him in his fancy matching pajamas, barefooted and hair a mess tying the cords of a ‘Keep Kepler Weird’ apron behind his back.

“I love you, Joseph.” He looks up at the tender voice and smiles,

“I love you, too, Barclay …Now go! Don’t get your fluff all over the food.”

“It’s not fluff!” he calls back while running to his room and slipping his bracelet back on.

* * *

“How did I get suckered into this?”

Barclay’s voice isn’t hardly tinged with as much misery as he’d intended to lay on. He’s kneeling in the lodge’s largest tub, sweet smelling suds up to his ribs, while more sudsy water gets poured over him. Joseph just laughs,

“Because you love them.” Joseph has to stand in the tub in order to start scrubbing the soap into the top of Barclay’s fur. “You’ll let me re-do the braids afterwards, right?”

“Yeah, of course, love.”

“Why do you sound nervous?”

“ … honestly?”

“Yes?”

“ … ugh, I’m afraid that it’ll all poof up. What if I look like the fuckin’ beast? Oh god – don’t put ribbons in my fur! Joseph – ” He turns around in a panic, and places a wet palm on Joseph’s arm, “Joseph! Don’t let them put ribbons in my fur.”

“I’ll try to protect you, big guy, don’t worry. But one of ‘em shoots fireballs, and I already killed the other one’s plants.” He laughs and leans down to pull the plug. “Now come on, let’s rinse you off before we send you to the wolves.”

When they finally open the bathroom door to let them in, Barclay is standing on a blanket of towels, arms and legs spread like the Vitruvian Man, his face pulled into a preemptive wince.

Aubrey jumps into the room, pointing two hairdryers like guns at the soaking frame of Bigfoot.

“Are you ready, Squatchboy?!”

Dani is laughing behind her, carrying four more hair dryers. Barclay immediately glares at Joseph, mouthing ‘Don’t you dare start’ when he sees the mischievous grin on the man’s face.

“Here, Joseph.” Dani hands two hairdryers to him with a smile. “Thanks for not killing all of my plants.

“You guys better not blow a fuse. _Six blowdryers_? You don’t think that’s overkill?”

Joseph shoots that smug smirk back at Barclay,

“Only one way to find out, isn’t there, Squatchboy?”

“Oh GOD! Just fucking kill me now, Jesus!”

* * *

Barclay’s fur only stayed poofy for an hour or so, much to everyone else’s chagrin. It was already halfway back to laying flat by the time Joseph finished redoing the braided bun. But now the smell of sulfur and dirt is replaced with cucumber and melon. Joseph is laying back against Barclay’s chest, delighted at the feeling of soft fur.

They’ve been reading in Barclay’s bed for a few hours when a wicked thought jumps into Joseph’s mind. Barclay isn’t able to catch the smug look that would have warned him, not that it would have stopped him from being as surprised as he is when the peaceful quiet is broken.

“You know, you never fucked me in the ass last night.”

He says it so conversationally. Like he’s talking about the goddamn weather. And Barclay’s just frozen still, barely breathing.

Joseph grabs both their books to lay on the nightstand, and starts wiggling against him, sending sparks down Barclay’s spine.

“Ba-babe? Bracelet? On the dresser, let me-”

He’s cut short when Joseph straddles him, legs around his waist, arms around his neck, and lust all over his face.

“No. Like this.”

Barclay’s hips involuntarily jerk up, and _Joseph is doing that wild laugh and ooooh, god- _

“Babe,babe,babe no – Joseph! There’s – I love you. Love your enthusiasm, but there is no way, it’s physically impossible.” He’s pleading as much as he is warning.

“Do you think I came out of being a federally trained agent without the ability to handle myself? I’m no bigfoot, but I’m stronger than you seem to remember.” This he says while unbuttoning his pajama shirt so that Barclay can see how Stern’s abs tighten and relax with each roll of his hips.

“I don’t doubt that you can handle a whole lot, babe, but you weren’t trained to take a bigfoot’s dick up your ass.”

“True. But nobody volunteers to join UP unless they’re a little bit of a freak.”

Joseph dives to bite along Barclay’s neck, barely nipping skin through the fur, but judging by how his partner is trying to stifle moans, he knows it’s enough.

“Ah-ah- alright, alright, just, look at me for a second okay?”

Joseph leans back and meets Barclay’s brown eyes with his best attempt at an innocent face.

“God I can’t believe – Alright. There’s a lot uh things gotta happen if you’re serious about this.”

“And I am.”

“Hmhmhmm Okay. You have to let me help you relax, first and foremost, alright? And then we need to find like an entire case of lube, and you have to let me work you open slowly.”

“This all sounds amazing, yes.” Joseph is already back to grinding, but Barclay holds firm on his hips to stop him.

“No just, wait, wait. _Joseph_? If I think for a second that I might be hurting you, I’m stopping. And you **_have_** to be honest, if it hurts – don’t try to hide it, alright? Promise me.”

_There’s that deeply concerned look._ But this time, it doesn’t twist in Stern’s gut. _It’s not for fear of being left, just a desire to keep him safe._ He stops moving for a moment, just to make it clear that he’s being serious,

“Alright. I promise. I trust you.”

They exchange warms smiles, run their hands along the other’s face, and then it’s back to desperate, bruising kisses. Joseph’s matching shirt and pants get tossed in opposite directions, his boxers barely kicked off his ankle as he climbs to straddle Barclay’s face.

Barclay presses one hand onto a hip, and guides Joseph forward until his tongue is buried into him, curling and lathing inside to find –

_“Mmmyes! Theretherethere, oooh god”_

It doesn’t take long like this, there’s something different about the way that Barclay’s growling, something wilder. The deep vibrations of it tease every inch of the sensitive skin around Joseph’s cock. His hips aren’t bucking so much as convulsing every time that Barclay’s tongue hits that perfect spot, and soon he’s trembling through his orgasm, trying not to moan too loudly.

He doesn’t have much time to recover before Barclay flips him onto his back and starts kissing and licking down his body. Barclay’s eyes shift over to the dresser, and then he huffs, pulling himself off and away.

“What? What are – Barclay?” Joseph eyes the bracelet suspiciously as Barclay carries it back to the bed, a bottle of lube in his other hand.

“Just for a minute, I promise. Just to start, alright? These fingers are still a bit large, but I promise, I’ll work you up to them, okay?”

He leans down to kiss Joseph’s lips before slipping on the bracelet and kneeling between his legs.

“God you’re beautiful.”

He teases the rim with two wet fingers, just like before. He smiles up at Joseph, already arching his back and fluttering his eyes shut.

“So beautiful” He plunges one finger in, and almost comes undone at the moan it earned him. Slowly, he starts pumping his finger in and kissing praises up Joseph’s thighs.

Another finger, scissoring and flicking inside, nibbling at the hollow of Joseph’s hips. Another, and Joseph bites his own fingers to keep from screaming. The thrusting slows,

“Nono, don’t stop. It’s so good–”

Barclay moves up to cut him off with kisses before thrusting four crooked fingers into Joseph’s ass, his thumb rubbing at the base of his cock.

The way he’s moaning into his mouth, thrusting himself to meet his hand – Barclay’s dick is leaking pre-cum and he’s struggling to keep himself together.

“Barclay, please? I’m ready, please?”

Barclay rolls on top of him, hips pressed firmly,

“Remember your promise?”

“Yes, I promise – I promise.”

Barclay takes a deep breath, “Alright” and closes his eyes while he shifts back into his much larger self.

“_Hoooly … **How in the hell**_?”

“I told you – I warned you, darlin’. We can stop, do somethin’ el-

It’s Barclay’s turn to be cut off with a kiss. “Don’t you dare even think about it. I want you, I want to feel you stretch and fill me up. Could you do that for me? Could you fill my ass with your cum?”

“In a moment, I promised you something else first.”

Barclay lays him back down and pours extra lube on his fingers, toying with the rim again. It takes just two fingers to continue the stretch from before, and now the scissoring movements are much deeper.

“_More_”

Another finger, painfully slowly. But Joseph takes it happily, wiggling down onto it once it’s in.

“Ooooooh, shit, Barclay. – I” Joseph’s eyes go wide at the swear.

“Don’t bother. I wanna hear anythin, you have to say, I wanna hear every swear, every moan. I love the way you sound.” Barclay goes back to kissing up and down Joseph’s body, “Don’t you worry about anythin’ but feelin’ good. That’s all I want – I wanna make you feel so good, babe.”

The thrusts get harder, and Barclay’s rubbing his throbbing dick against Joseph’s, trembling at the slick heat.

“Mmmhmmhmm _fuck_, I think you’re ready – what do you think? Are you ready?”

“Yesyesyesyes!” Joseph is squirming, off his fingers, eyes pleading

“God you’re eager aren’t you?” Barclay pulls away, and moves to line up to Joseph’s ass – “God damn, that’s a pretty sight. I could stare at that forever,” but he’s already grabbing on to Stern’s legs, pressing them against his chest. He rests his arms by Joseph’s head and slowly – agonizingly slowly – starts sliding his massive dick into Stern’s ass. Inch by inch, he works in the head and has to stop, panting.

“Fuuuck, babe, shit you’re so tight. You alright?” There isn’t an immediate response, and Barclay looks up in fear.

Joseph, to his credit, isn’t responding because he has his own fingers shoved into his mouth, trying desperately not to scream that he’s already about to cum again. He just nods his head, throws his free hand to Barclay’s chest, tangling into the fur and pulling him closer.

“Are you sure?” Barclay isn’t budging.

With a whimper, Joseph tries sliding further down onto him, still pulling urgently at his fur.

Finally, Barclay moves, just slightly, still going slow. Joseph groans, and abandons hope on stifling himself. His eyes dart around until they find the bottle of lube tucked against his side. He sits up enough to reach it, leaning his head against Barclay’s shoulder in the process.

Barclay yips when two wet hands find their way to the base of his dick. They work their way up and down his shaft, covering it with lube and gently trying to coax him deeper inside Joseph.

“Wha-what are you doing?”

“Helping. I want all of you, love.”

Barclay buckles, Joseph is so good at getting him to do that. But he gets startled at the sudden depth he’s pushed in and scrambles back up and out.

“Nonono, so good. Barclaaay”

“It … didn’t hurt?”

“Not in a bad way. Again- please?”

Hesitantly, Barclay snaps his hips to push in a few more inches– when he looks down to see that he’s halfway in, his hips tremble and Joseph starts moaning again.

“Yeah? Yeah, you doin’ alri-

“**_More_**”

And Barclay obeys. This time, he gets most of the way in before Joseph starts wincing. He stops, pushes the man back down, “Alright, this far.”

He pulls almost entirely out, then leans over to press his forehead to Joseph’s. He keeps his eyes fixed on that perfect face while he quickly thrusts back in.

“Oh F-FUCK! Barclay!” He kisses him to relative silence and starts picking up speed. Each thrust sends shivers down his legs.

“Ba-Barclay, ohmygod, you’re so, so-oo mmf so good. _jesusrightthere_.” Joseph’s arms and legs are wrapped around him, holding on tight as he can while he falls apart on the appendage bigfoot should have been named for.

Barclay squeezes a large hand behind his back, bracing him against his chest. He pulls his face away just enough to see Joseph’s face. To see the half-lidded blue eyes staring back at him, the small scar on his clean-shaven chin, the blush on his face – every beautiful, perfect part of that handsome face.

“I love you,” It’s a breathless cry, “I love you, Joseph.”

“Ba~ar- mmph, Barclay.” Stern’s voice drops in reverence, “Barclay, I love you t-too. I love you”

When the orgasm hits Joseph, he starts crying, still repeating “I love you” as he clenches and convulses, cumming untouched while Barclay holds him through it all. Before Joseph’s finished, Barclay’s following after him. Spilling into him and kissing away tears. They collapse onto the bed, Barclay having to roll them over as they do.

Faces cupped in the other’s hands, breathless and smiling, they fall asleep saying “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I finish publishing before the new episode went up? No. But DAMNIT I was close. I'll take that as a consolation prize.
> 
> Final Thoughts: Sexy dialogue is difficult. Dialogue is difficult, full stop. So -Thanks for hanging in there with me, hope you got a kick out of it!
> 
> P.s. I had to stop myself from titling this chapter the following awful things and I think I might be delirious:  
'Homecumming' | 'Booty and the Sasquatch' | 'One Last Ride' | 'For the Love of the Squatch'


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